by Clarence Hill
Choosing friends is one of the most important decisions in life. Some friendships just happen, while others are formed through stages. Different phases of life produce friendships, even as far back as childhood. Out of some commonality in life, a peculiar interest springs up between two individuals and that age-old bond is formed. A friendship can be such a blessing, as it holds its own kind of mystery. Just a thought of a good friend can put a smile on your face. Who knows the formula for causing two strangers, or even a parent and a child, to find that special knitting called friendship?
All relationships change
As is true with any relationship, friendships, at some point, call for a time of change. However, some friendships can be so treasured that they move into the category of the untouchables. They have slipped into a place high above scrutiny and the call for change. There they sit with the power to negatively affect an individual, while retaining freedom from any consequences (receiving at most a slap on the wrist). Like a grown child who is “out on their own”, they hold the power to consume your thoughts for gladness or for grief. Even after they are long gone, they return to your thoughts to leave you wondering where they are, what they’re doing and how they’re coping. Because friendships are so powerful, it is necessary to have some kind of outlook on how to handle them.
Backing in to second place
There is one event that comes with an implied set of rules for handling friendships and that is marriage. It demands more than a “congratulations” and a gift. It calls for a change. The precious, lifelong friendships are given the privilege of showing their true love for an individual by respecting and making room for the new best friend. No matter how dear a person may have been, the covenant union of a man and woman moves all other relationships into second place.
It is a joy for some close friends and family to release a loved one into marriage, but a select few somehow believe that first place is to be shared and not handed over. Contrast this problem to the joy of a child being born, where everyone receives a promotion. The husband now gains the title of father and the wife becomes mother. Parents become grandparents and siblings become aunts and uncles. Let’s not forget the older children who feel the rush of power and authority as they take on the title of “big brother” and “big sister”. This is a great joy for everyone involved, because it is obvious to whom this brand new life belongs. Everyone gets to take a step forward together in joyful responsibility. However, when a marriage takes place, only one person is taking a step forward, while all others are taking a step back. Sometimes the “old friend” or “best friend” (who could also be a father, mother, or sibling) is unable to truly let go of that intimate place that they once held. To no longer see as many messages left on their answering machine or to no longer be called upon for wisdom and knowledge may be a bit too much for some friends. They may continue to smile on the outside, but the rendering of first place may be far from being a full reality for them. Sooner or later, they must let go or be lovingly escorted to second place where true friends rejoice to be.
A personal change also
There is a permanent change that must be acknowledged not only by friends and family, but also by the individuals who married. They who were once single are now sharing life. The world in which they learned to cope and survive now calls for a new way of living. They now have someone new with whom to share their deepest hopes, desires, dreams and struggles. The blessed “listening ears” of yesterday must yield the right-of-way to the new friend and confidant for life: the spouse. Even if it was Mom, who always understood, or a best friend, who always had the right words to say, or even a sibling that was like a left hip, things must change. There is someone, above all others, who is to be given first place. Even if others never overcome their inability to let go or make room, a marriage can still prosper when both husband and wife place each other in first place.
“Harmless” relationships
It may seem like some relationships would be harmless to a marriage and shouldn’t be expected to change. However, former relationships that refuse any kind of a change can prove to be a source of terrible contention. For example, spouses, that had such strong relationships with their parents that they were actually friends, often have difficulty understanding why their lengthy and consistent conversations create such difficulty. While it is beautiful to be blessed with a parent-child friendship, it can prove to be an irritant to a marriage when it is not handled properly.
By continuing to call on “Dad”, “Mom” or a friend when difficulties arise or by seeking their counsel and help on life matters before sharing concerns with a spouse, a good relationship can actually cause an offense. The counsel of parents and friends may be precious, vital and excellent, but it should not take the place of first deliberating and making decisions husband to wife and wife to husband. The Bible says that “the two shall become one”. The goal is oneness. This is especially vital to understand in the beginning of a marriage. During these tender times, it is wise to at least discuss matters together before bringing in a third party.
The Goal is Oneness
One may argue that their spouse’s advice and direction is not as good as the advice of their parents or friends. While this may be true, finding the best ideas and solutions cannot always be the ultimate goal. Being one must remain the first and ultimate goal. The Bible says, “…let a man leave his father and his mother and be joined unto his wife.” In every area of life, it is wise to place the bond of the marriage above what was familiar or what may be considered as “the best”. For example, a wife may not be the best cook, but it is better to stop talking about Mom’s cooking and enjoy second best with an “It’s the best” smile on your face. A husband may not be too handy around the house or as skillful at things as one’s father (or other men), but there is a time to be thankful for “that’s good enough” and give little thought to what would have been “the perfect fix”.
This may sound like couples are being called to settle for behavior, actions and ideas that are not excellent. Without understanding the goal of oneness and the necessity of doing the little things that give a spouse the value of first and best, this may seem wrong. Consider that it is better for a relationship to have peace than perfection. Strife in a relationship, for any reason, can hinder prayers from being heard, cause sickness and create behavioral problems in children. Oneness, on the other hand, is the foundation for the blessing of God, healthy lives and happy children. The good qualities of friends and parents are best kept as a gift not to be turned into a bar of expectation.
Room for everyone
Friends don’t have to feel left out after a marriage. If it is true that friendships take work, it may take a little work to try to foster some level of relationship and trust between a best friend and a spouse. The number one factor is priority. When a conflict of interest arises, it comes down to who is going to be considered first, friend or spouse.
If friends, parents and siblings can be satisfied with change and adjustment, then there is room for everyone. Jesus has made room for everyone in heaven based on one condition that they change who is in first place in their lives, even if it’s themselves. Change is not to be feared, but embraced. Give your spouse first place over your family and friends and give Jesus His rightful place over your marriage and your future. Without these two priorities, the “balance” of other friendships will remain questionable in the face of fulfilling the will of God in your life and marriage.
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