By Clarence Hill
In days of old, there were certain kinds of jail cells used to severely punish prisoners. They were so small that you couldn’t even sit down. Another kind had ceilings so low that you could not stand up. The goal was to wear out the prisoners with discomfort. The subjects of this torture were considered people that would not change their ways quick enough by lesser means of correction. After many days of this treatment, the condemned prisoners would re-evaluate their former actions and plead for an opportunity to demonstrate a change in their behavior. This was a very effective method used on hardened convicts; however, it is a poor model for instituting change in a marriage. While couples don’t use small cells with iron bars for behavior correction, it has become instinctual in most to leave very little room in their heart for their mate at the slightest disapproval of the other’s actions. The message is sent that if you want full access to my heart you will change your ways or be satisfied with very little of my heart in this marriage.
The intent of this article is to make room in your heart for your spouse, because many couples only make room in their hearts for the “perfect” spouse. As long as their spouse is imperfect in pleasing them in any way, they are denied wholehearted love. To the degree that the condemned spouse is deemed perfect in decisions and behavior is at most the degree of welcome and acceptance that is given them. Since there isn’t anyone without imperfections, there always remains a limit to the “good times” in that marriage. If this message were being given to couples on the road to marriage, the title would be “Know Who You Are Marrying”. The majority of the article would focus on getting each person to abolish the image that they received from their significant other on dates. It would then lead them to gather pounds of data on the history of their future spouse’s relationship with parents, siblings, friends, employers and their church. After their true identity has been revealed without bias, a good portion of the writings would work to illuminate the reality that the best spouse anyone can marry is a human. The sobering truth of human weakness and his or her ability to choose good or evil at any point would be expressed in plain language. Even God was sober about man’s volition and had a plan for his redemption before Adam first opened his eyes. Those susceptible hearts would be warned of phrases like, “just give me a chance” and “no one ever understands me but you”. Since the majority of our readers are beyond the benefit of these warning signs, we will focus on how to please God in our marriages now. Some people missed all of the signs and some were sober, being well aware of the insufficiencies in themselves and their mates. Don’t be discouraged regardless of how your marriage started, because many of those that began their relationship most carefully later discovered hidden flaws in their mate that they never intended for which to make room. Whether the flaws and imperfections were previously known or unknown, there is good news!
“…all things will work together for good if you are willing to obey His will and fulfill His purpose in your life.”
The good news is that we have a promise in the book of Romans chapter 8 and verse 28 which says, “we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” In order to receive this promise, we are qualified by two factors: 1) that we love God (not in word only, but in the way that we live) 2) that we be those called according to his purpose, meaning we don’t confess Christ while doing what we want to with our lives. Your life has a promise, regardless of its beginning, that all things will work together for good, if you are willing to obey His will and fulfill His purpose in your life. This promise has the power to help you receive your spouse without constant strife and contention. It causes you to cease burdening your spouse with expectations and discontentment by turning your hope from an imperfect spouse to a perfect God.
The first step toward receiving your spouse is settling the fact that who you married is who you married. You may not have married whom you thought you married. You may have found your spouse to be much less than what they appeared to be. Some activities that you thought were shared interests may have only seemed that way in the bliss of new found love. It is quite possible that the enthusiasm that they may have shown was their joy of being with you more so than their delight in what you were enjoying. This is not a negative. The secret is that you had their heart. The greatest goal in any relationship is to have the other’s heart; this dismisses all thought of manipulation or forced compliance to find agreement. This is true in business, parenting and especially marriage. Christ, who is our perfect example for every situation, is building His whole family with those who give their hearts to Him. He calls on us to do every act of obedience out of love for Him and His will. Don’t allow frustration over disagreements to cause you to lose having your mate’s heart. Some people spend all of their time trying to get their spouse to like what they like. Your spouse may never love the food at your favorite restaurant, but if you remain someone that they love being around, they will be satisfied to be with you. Receive the person that you married and give them room to change without the coldness of rejection. Be satisfied to have their heart. Jesus received the disciples with such a complete and patient love that they were willing to suffer rejection, be misunderstood and live the way He lived so that they could be with Him. Jesus wasn’t surprised by Peter’s imbalance of zeal and knowledge, nor James and John’s competitive ambition, nor Judas’ double-heart. He received them with a sober understanding of who they were and a heart big enough to allow room for their imperfections.
“there is a way to encourage change without causing strife.”
You may have married someone just as they were in the confidence of your ability to “help” them with their insufficiencies. On top of that, they probably received your molding hands in the early days of your relationship. This is not uncommon, but it is often later resented when they discover that all of their changing hasn’t produced a content spouse. It may be true that the area of change you desire to see in your spouse is valid and for their own good and the good of your whole household; however, there is a way to encourage change without causing strife. The great error is to reject your spouse because of an area of fault in their lives; especially when that area was most likely in their lives the day that you received them at the altar and made covenant with them.
Our focus must be to deal with the one person we have the power and right to change, which is ourselves. Have your attempts to encourage change in your spouse fallen to the ground? It could be because your desires are yet selfish and turn into ungodly behavior whenever they aren’t immediately fulfilled. See if your spouse is rejecting you in the same way God is rejecting you. There are behaviors listed in the Bible that are called the “works of the flesh”. Paul says, that those who practice these behaviors will not inherit the kingdom of God. These “works of the flesh” are always rejected by God and we shouldn’t expect our spouses to receive these behaviors either. For example, many people learned how to manipulate a situation to get what they wanted as children. Now they are adults and they still seek to get their way by anger, pouting, screaming, being silent, running away, whining, complaining to friends and coworkers and plunging into depression. These responses to handling conflict are not only distasteful, but they are also rejected by even God Himself. These are all works of the flesh, while the fruit of the Holy Spirit in one’s life would show love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance (self-control). Don’t get “beside yourself” and turn to childish behavior. Do what pleases God and watch how it turns the whole climate of your marriage. First and foremost, God will be pleased and ultimately, the promise of all things working together for good will be a reality in your life.
This leads us into how one can encourage necessary change in their spouse without causing strife in the relationship. The first qualification is joy. Change is always difficult without an atmosphere of joy. Joy is the sign of a heart that is truly trusting in God for the best in their spouse’s life. Frustration is the sign of impatience and a desire to please one’s self above the one you are supposedly helping. To absolutely affect your spouse, your joy must be stronger than your feelings and able to endure the test of time. Be sure that your commitment to joyfulness in every situation will be put on trial, but those who don’t yield to the temptation of lashing out, speaking their mind or giving up will leave their spouse without any extra fuel to continue wrong behavior and unpleasant attitudes. Did you know that some of your spouse’s ill-conduct may actually feed off of your disgust and anger? The scripture says that a soft answer turns away wrath, but an angry man stirs up strife. If you have the power to respond in self-control, you have the power to quench a disastrous argument and keep many unnecessary and hurtful comments from being spoken. Any level of frustration and impatience is counter-productive to the least possible change in your mate’s life, but joy will give your spouse strength to do what pleases God.
Consider how children learn to walk. We laugh as they
stumble, fall down and look at us for approval. We actually
give them strength by our countenance. We keep them from
wallowing on the floor by praising their efforts and
encouraging another try. Big hugs, patience and the fact
that everybody else is walking keeps that little one trying
until they get it. The same principle works in a marriage.
Affection, patience, encouragement and the fact that you’re
exemplifying the change that your spouse is seeking produces
an environment for positive change. Jesus said that we
shouldn’t seek to take a speck out of our neighbor’s eye
while we have a log in our own eye. He called this hypocrisy. How can you encourage change? Don’t be a hypocrite. The signs of hypocrisy are impatience and frustration. How can your spouse trust you to help remove a speck from their eye when your behavior proves that you don’t see clearly to help them anyway. How many times do spouses charge each other with a grievance over something that was said and inevitably express mean and hurtful words themselves before the conversation has ended? Jesus teaches us that anyone will naturally be rejected by their spouse when they can’t even be patient enough to talk about a matter without responding negatively. The error between husband and wife is that each one believes the other has the log while they only have a speck in their eye.
The truth is that a husband’s anger,
a wife’s emotional highs and lows,
a husband’s failure to communicate,
a wife’s refusal to let a matter rest,
a husband’s addiction to work, pornography or a hobby and
a wife’s addiction to soap-opera’s, gossip or shopping
are equally in need of change.
The hypocrite will continually become more and more frustrated, but the one who first gets themselves right will be able to help their mate in the patience and love of God.
Finally, your spouse must have the power to please you. Being with a spouse that is hard to please is like living in a room without oxygen. It is impossible. You will force your spouse to live somewhere else and find other affections, which, in no way, condones adultery and pornography. Your spouse may not move out, but their heart will be drawn to find pleasure, purpose and acceptance in some other person or activity. To those that face this matter as a reality in your marriage, the person to draw near to is Christ and the activity to seek is His will for how to respond properly without breaking your covenant.
Consider that fully pleasing God is a possibility for every person. Have you been “impossible” to please? Beware of playing “hard to get” or being “hard to please”. You may have been told never to give your spouse your whole heart lest they take you for granted or hurt you. This is not godly counsel and is troublesome to a potentially glorious marriage. Christ gives us His whole heart when we come to Him. We must settle the fact that true love means opening up your heart to be loved or to be wounded. Even though Jesus came and did great miracles, His love was rejected and He ended up on a cross. If you will open your heart and receive your spouse, you are saying ‘I am giving you an opportunity to love me or hurt me’. The same door to your heart that receives love also allows hurts. How do we overcome such a challenge? We realize that we can love because God has first loved us in this same way. Receive each other and pay the price to make the greatest atmosphere possible for continuing change to be nurtured in yourself and in your spouse.
Study Notes
1. Ecclesiastes 19:9
2. Revelation 13:8
3. I John 3:18
4. Romans 15:7
5. Psalm 4:2
6. II Chronicles 16:9
7. Mark 10:28
8. John 13:11
9. Ecclesiastes 5:4-6
10. Galatians 5:19-21
11. Galatians 5:22-23
12. I Corinthians 13:11
13. Romans 15:13
14. James 1:2-3
15. Proverbs 15:1
16. James 1:19-20
17. Psalm 21:6
18. Matthew 7:1-5
19. Colossians 1:10
20. Proverbs 19:20-21
21. I John 4:7-11
WHY STUDY??
Because Mark 4:24 (AMP) says,
“The measure of thought and study you give to the truth you hear will be the measure of virtue and knowledge that comes back to you.”
